It's all in the Balance

I constantly think that I am doing too little. Not accomplishing enough. That everyone I admire is more productive, active, radical, inspired and on top of their shit than I am. No matter how much is on my plate, I feel like I am lazy, and, as I pile more on, and am able to finish less and less, I become even more critical of myself.

I don't think that I am alone in this spiral. In some ways I think that it is many layers deep. It is a cultural thing, a gender thing, a mother thing, a subcultural thing. It is because of my parents, my education, my assumed "gifted" status, and then the resulting assumption of my "laziness" because of my disinterest in what was being offered up. There are almost too many factors to count. But I have not yet figured out the balance.

There is so much I want to do in this lifetime, and the time is short. I have a hard time saying no to opportunities. And then am often depressed about how half-assed I do everything.

I am writing all of this on this blog, instead of my "personal" blog just to lay it on the table. I am overwhelmed and, if it is possible, overinspired. But how can one really complain about that?!

I keep this blog about youth liberation, and the re-thinking of childhood partially because I am using it as a way to process things I am researching for college. But it is not FOR college. It is for me. This is the work that I do in my head, in my heart, in my journal, in discussions with friends, in my interactions with my children and partner, everyday. This work is vitally important to me and my purpose as a revolutionary. I believe in the revolution of childhood. I believe that we can change the world for the better. I believe that we can exist as a culture in more sane and healthy ways, and that this is my piece of that struggle.

I am appreciative of the parameters that I have set up around this project that make it possible for me to count it as credit towards school. I genuinely appreciate the fact that I attend a university that has a way for this sort of liberatory learning to be acknowledged. But it is also frustrating. Life does not move on a schedule, and rarely do children's needs, or opportunities for adventure and growth fit neatly into a syllabus.

I am struggling to follow my gut about how to spend my time with my kids, and find inspiration and fulfillment for myself, and still "accomplish" what needs to be done for me to be a college student.

So there. I said it.

I love love love what I am doing with this project, and want to continue. I also love the fact that my two two-years-olds and I just spent the most amazing two weeks on tour playing music, traveling over 2,000 miles with the most beautiful, inspiring group of folks, even if I didn't do a lick of "schoolwork" along the way.

Here's hoping I can dive back in without the weight of artificial expectations and continue to find the joy that I have found in this project thus far.